Sunday, July 23, 2006

untitled.

So...... I've been meaning to write about this for a while, but I was constantly warned by different bloggers not to get too personal on this thing, and so I've avoided this post for a while now but I feel as though it is time....

After all, it's been a while since I last spoke of something personal and frankly... interesting!

I'd known him for 4 years before I finally realised that I had feelings for him. He was that one person who was there for me whenever I needed advice or comfort. He was that "so called" shoulder to cry on, a helping hand, a true best friend. He stuck by me through thick and thin, believed in me and trusted me when I had lost belief in myself. Boosted my confidence when I felt insecure, reminded me of how important I was when I felt worthless. He made me feel beautiful, special, smart, funny in everyway possible, and for that he meant the world to me.

From looks to personality, he lacked nothing. I'd always considered him my miracle. As corny as that may sound, had you known him, you would've probably reached the same conclusion. I know people say that no one's perfect and I am not implying the he was. He had his faults like any other human being but compared to the assholes I'd come across in my life time, he was unique. He was mature, wise, understanding, sensitive, funny, smart and handsome, unlike the usual big-assed tiny-brained guys I knew!

I'd spent so long looking for someone to provide me with the same amount of love, care and respect that I was willing to offer. Little did I know that that person was right by my side all along.

He admitted that he had felt this way for years but had remained silent as I was never available. He claimed that he'd been waiting for years to tell me how much he longed to be with me. He confessed that he had loved me ever since I had accepted him into my life as a friend. But his intentions were different from mine.

I could not see myself with him. I could not seem to understand how I hadn't noticed. I spent hours trying to absorb what he had confessed. But no matter how long I spent trying to figure it all out, my feelings towards him were very different from his feelings for me. He was no more than a friend and allowing our friendship to evolve into anything else was simply out of the question. And so I said no repetitively, despite his apparent faith in the relationship.

But it would not be too long before I realised that I too felt the same way.

The day I realised how much I loved him was the day I realised how much I hated life, for when I built up the courage to tell him the truth he explained that he had already found himself a replacement!

I tried to be understanding. I tried to be happy for him. I spent weeks trying to convince myself that what I felt for him was no more than a physical attraction. But I failed, and as the days passed by, my feelings for him grew stronger.

People say that you don't tend to realise how special someone is until you lose them. I now fully comperehend what they mean.

I do ask myself whether or not I will ever get the chance to be with him. I question whether or not it would've worked out. But my questions remain unanswered.

Only time will tell.

5 Comments:

Blogger Flous said...

a couple of things: 1) it's good to be reading a new post :) 2) it sux to realise u have feelings for someone when its too late, but u have to realise that rite now ur feeling may not be growing, but u longing to be with someone that you can't have is eating at u, and making u want to be with him even more. its human nature, u feel it, i feel it. But u need to really think about what u want. i'm not doubtin u have feelings for him, but u beating urself up about it is not gonna help. how do u know that as soon as u get him u'll realise that the chase is better than the catch and won't have feelings for him anymore? it happens. it does.
if u can be with him, thats amazing, and i hope ur happy. But if u can't, i dont think its something u should be dwelling upon, u haven't liked him for 4 years, maybe now its just cuz ur lonely that u do.... take it easy girl, dont stress urself out.

9:30 pm  
Blogger Verbose said...

This might be considered plagarism but hey, i dont think Flous will mind. And if she does she can take it up with me:

"a couple of things: 1) it's good to be reading a new post :) 2) it sux to realise u have feelings for someone when its too late, but u have to realise that rite now ur feeling may not be growing, but u longing to be with someone that you can't have is eating at u, and making u want to be with him even more. its human nature, u feel it, i feel it. But u need to really think about what u want. i'm not doubtin u have feelings for him, but u beating urself up about it is not gonna help. how do u know that as soon as u get him u'll realise that the chase is better than the catch and won't have feelings for him anymore? it happens. it does.
if u can be with him, thats amazing, and i hope ur happy. But if u can't, i dont think its something u should be dwelling upon..."

Love that isnt reciprocated isnt worth hating life for. You should be happy for him. Happy that he is happy. Isn't that why you wanted to be with him in the first place? To see him happy? Just because at this point in his life it is not you making him feel that way that doesnt mean its never going to happen. Nor does it mean that you should go on a mission trying to get him. You have known him for while so your feelings are not going to vanish any time soon. Let it be. Its not often that one gets to feel this way. Enjoy the rush you get. Enjoy all the perks of having butteflies in your stomach and having your heart skip a beat. Enjoy feeling. Its worth it. Even if you know it won't end the way you want it.

I miss you so much.

Peace and Love. Spread it.

2:46 am  
Blogger Qatar Cat said...

Oh girl

I wish I or anyone else could say something that would make you feel better - but you must feel at least a little bit better already yourself after sharing this.

As they say - time heals. It does, it just takes an awfully long time. It will get worse but it will eventually get better, as you can obviously see on the guy's example. I think he must have gone through something similar to what you are going through now, and he came out the winner. You can do it, too.

Cheer up!

11:23 am  
Blogger Degoat said...

Hey girl..

Life is amazing.. now this phase u r going through will only build a better personality in u and u you will have a better way of dealing with stuff when it comes to relationships :P

And you will figure it out.. ppl always figure stuff out, Remember life always goes on and u will be fine ;)

G

11:35 am  
Blogger mimi said...

everyone: Thanks for your advice. Much appreciated :)

7:27 pm  

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