Sunday, July 23, 2006

untitled.

So...... I've been meaning to write about this for a while, but I was constantly warned by different bloggers not to get too personal on this thing, and so I've avoided this post for a while now but I feel as though it is time....

After all, it's been a while since I last spoke of something personal and frankly... interesting!

I'd known him for 4 years before I finally realised that I had feelings for him. He was that one person who was there for me whenever I needed advice or comfort. He was that "so called" shoulder to cry on, a helping hand, a true best friend. He stuck by me through thick and thin, believed in me and trusted me when I had lost belief in myself. Boosted my confidence when I felt insecure, reminded me of how important I was when I felt worthless. He made me feel beautiful, special, smart, funny in everyway possible, and for that he meant the world to me.

From looks to personality, he lacked nothing. I'd always considered him my miracle. As corny as that may sound, had you known him, you would've probably reached the same conclusion. I know people say that no one's perfect and I am not implying the he was. He had his faults like any other human being but compared to the assholes I'd come across in my life time, he was unique. He was mature, wise, understanding, sensitive, funny, smart and handsome, unlike the usual big-assed tiny-brained guys I knew!

I'd spent so long looking for someone to provide me with the same amount of love, care and respect that I was willing to offer. Little did I know that that person was right by my side all along.

He admitted that he had felt this way for years but had remained silent as I was never available. He claimed that he'd been waiting for years to tell me how much he longed to be with me. He confessed that he had loved me ever since I had accepted him into my life as a friend. But his intentions were different from mine.

I could not see myself with him. I could not seem to understand how I hadn't noticed. I spent hours trying to absorb what he had confessed. But no matter how long I spent trying to figure it all out, my feelings towards him were very different from his feelings for me. He was no more than a friend and allowing our friendship to evolve into anything else was simply out of the question. And so I said no repetitively, despite his apparent faith in the relationship.

But it would not be too long before I realised that I too felt the same way.

The day I realised how much I loved him was the day I realised how much I hated life, for when I built up the courage to tell him the truth he explained that he had already found himself a replacement!

I tried to be understanding. I tried to be happy for him. I spent weeks trying to convince myself that what I felt for him was no more than a physical attraction. But I failed, and as the days passed by, my feelings for him grew stronger.

People say that you don't tend to realise how special someone is until you lose them. I now fully comperehend what they mean.

I do ask myself whether or not I will ever get the chance to be with him. I question whether or not it would've worked out. But my questions remain unanswered.

Only time will tell.