Wednesday, November 30, 2005

EXAMS!

I don't see the point of having exams! If exams are meant to TEST our abilities then i'm sure there are other ways... aren't CONTINUOUS assignments and presentations and practical write-ups good enough? I mean I can barely go back home and LOOK @ a file or book after I come back from uni and they expect me to go back home and revise EVERYTHING i've taken so far PLUS do some additional reading??

Another thing I really hate about uni is this whole x'mas VACATION! 1st of all my idea of a vacation is definitely not spending time in the library revising for exams.. that my friends is what I call a study-leave and even then I doubt the library is where you'll find me.. And that's the thing, I am looking forward to the x'mas holidays but in the same time when I think of all the revising i'm going to have to do and all the time i'm going to have to waste by reading useless scietific crap I kinda just wish exams were never invented!

Well, anyways... I've decided that I write and talk too much. That's something I shall have to remedy! 7amas.. I stole that line from brave heart.. haha.. great movie!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Is beauty REALLY in the eye of the beholder?

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day and I asked him a question which I must admit was more rhetorical rather than being one demanding a huge explanation. You see, when I first came here and I made friends with a bunch of arabs who also study at the University of Leeds, I was a bit intimidated by them when they all thought it was almost IMPOSSIBLE to believe that I was Omani.

At first, I thought... oh well... I've heard that one b4. Alot of people think i'm Indian cuz my looks don't exactly prove i'm not, but apparently it wasn't that! You'd be surprised at the amount of times i've been told that I could not possibly be Omani.. I mean I found it a bit weird but in the same time I really didn't know what 2 make of it. I mean it's not everyday that you introduce yourself as an Omani and get a response as weird as : "This is the first time i've ever seen an Omani girl like you!!!!!!"

So, at one point I thought to myself, OK this has to stop! I have to get to the bottom of this! I didn't know what they meant and I certainly didn't know what to say in return! Thank you would've been inappropriate bcuz for all I know they could've easily meant it as an insult. So, I decided that I wouldn't say anything at all! And i'm glad I decided to keep quiet cuz apparently.. ladies.... prepare yourselves... I found out that Omani girls are known to be the UGLIEST women amongst other women from the gulf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When my friend (who by the way is from Kuwait) told me this I was SPEECHLESS! The thing is.. he didn't make it easier on me. He told me that "men state the obvious!" That is that Omani girls are HIDEOUS compared to Kuwaiti and Bahraini and etc girls!

First of all, let me just say one thing about these so called "BEAUTIFUL" Kuwaiti girls (and I really don't mean to generalise here), but to some of you girls, when you go back home and take those MASKS off your faces do you really look as pretty as you do when you have that make-up on? To tell you the truth I feel that if I were to slide my finger down a Kuwaiti girls face i'd probably leave a trail of my finger behind, as I would if I were to slide my fingers down a REALLY DUSTY window!

I've seen GORGEOUS Omani girls! And i'm not saying this because i'm Omani or anything like that but it's a shame cuz people do generalise in the end! I felt greatly insulted when my so called "friend" said this to me. Not because I expected him to say something like "but you're an exception" or anything of the sort but because even if he HAD mentioned that I was an exception he'd still be insulting all my friends and family members! And that is just.... unacceptable and totally unnecessary!

This brings me to the real topic I wanted 2 cover in this entry. How much do physical appearances account for in a person? How important are they? How reliable can they be? And for you HONEST people out there do you REALLY go 4 personalities b4 looks?

As an honest girl :P I have to say that as shallow as this may sound I can not date someone I don't find attractive. A physical attraction is VITAL in any relationship. Without it, the relationship between any two individuals can not evolve! I mean let's face it. If I had to go back home to a person I wasn't physically attracted to i'm sorry but I wouldn't be going home @ all! I'd probably end up going to my attractive neighbour's house instead! hahaha.. No honestly.. I believe that looks MUST come b4 personalities because AGAIN let's face it, the first thing you notice about someone is his/her face and body! You can't look @ someone and immediately go "ooh I can tell he's a good listener" or "ooh he looks like he has a good sense of humour, better charm him with my wits!" hahaha.. I mean it would be alot easier if humans were capable of having some sort of 6th sense enabling them to determine someone's personality by simply passing a quick glance @ them! haha.. I swear that would make life so much easier on us. Atleast you wouldn't have to date a guy in order to CONFIRM that he's a b*****d! OK i'm not gonna be sexist here.. so i'm gonna have to mention this as well... Atleast you wouldn't have to date a girl in order to CONFIRM she's a b***h! :s I feel bad just typing it!

Anyways, next we come to another serious topic common in the Middle East (and probably around the world but let's not go there.. I'm from the Middle East and therefore I can state factual information without having to ensure it's accuracy... cuz it's accurate alright!)

So, this topic relates to confidence and security. As a fairly insecure woman who has some fairly insecure friends I must say that I believe that our society CREATES this insecurity, and if CREATES is not the correct term to use then I believe the word ENCOURAGES is more precise! For example, people around here (as in the UK) or Europe or whereever don't really CARE about other peoples' looks! I mean, they wouldn't give you nasty glances if you're carrying the OLD louis vitton purse and not the LATEST one.. they wouldn't talk about u behind your back, out of jealousy, just because you happen to have an eyebrow piercing or you've decided to dye your hair pink this time.. they wouldn't dislike you because you're more elegant or fashionable than they are and they certainly wouldn't inform you that you've put on weight in an inappropriate and embarassing manner or make fun of you when they happen to have bigger breasts than you do! Now lemme get one thing straight... these are all EXAMPLES... I've COMPLETELY made them up... none of them have actually happened to ME! hahahahahaha... honestly...

Well basically what I mean to say is this, people wouldn't be so concerned about their physical appearance and so insecure about themselves if circumstances didn't force them to be! I mean I know for a fact that the one thing I dread the most about going back home is having to listen to a COUNTLESS amount of people tell me that i've gained weight! OK so I gained weight!... if i'm fine with it and if I like my new figure then 6uz feekum! And if I still haven't lost my touch around men then once again 6uz feekum! :p HAHAHA... shit it felt good just saying that... this obviously shows how sarcastic I was when I made that last comment! But obviously, if I didn't expect people to point of all my faults to me and others around me @ our first encounter I wouldn't be so insecure about myself!

So in conclusion this is what I have to say. Ladies (and gentlemen) as long as your happy with what you see when you look @ yourself in the mirror then SCREW what people have to say about u! walla... if I had a penny 4 everytime someone's told me that i'd gained weight i'd be F*****G rich by now! So if I were you i'd cut the crap and admit that I like my new figure and that I certainly love my new hair colour! As for that louis vitton purse, if I were you i'd thank god I had one full stop!!!! fee nas ba3adhum yista3milu those "no fear" wallets tara.... hahahahaha... LA LA WALLA I'M NOT INDIRECTLY SAYING IT'S ME!

So, I mean as much as I hate to admit this... I guess looks aren't everything! I don't know.. I mean... they are... BUT.... I don't know.. haha.. I guess you're just gonna have to tell me what YOU think cuz I think i've contradicted myself too many times throughout this entry!

Sunday, November 27, 2005

confessions of a daily life!

My dad decided to come up to Leeds for a short visit. He insisted that he had not yet seen my flat, my university and my friends, when my mum had seen it all, as she accompanied me to Leeds at the start of my university career to help me settle down. He said he felt a bit jealous and so I spent last weekend with him in London and I spent Friday and Saturday morning with him here in Leeds. It was great. I had loads of fun I guess...... well, despite spending the whole of Friday practically SCRUBBING the kitchen floor with one of my old pyjamas and despite having to hide all the "EVIDENCE" and by that I mean ash trays, cigarettes, cigarette packs and ash which had distributed itself ALL OVER the kitchen floor and tables, I did sort of have fun while it lasted.

My dad and I rarely spend time together in Oman so I guess i'm grateful we had a chance to catch up on things here in Leeds. We spoke about Brisbane, I explained how much I wanted 2 b there and how badly I hated both my course and Leeds. Didn't really do me any good cuz he made it quite clear that he was willing to financially support me if I really wanted 2 do architecture, and not have to depend on the ministry's approval, as I am currently sponsored by them... however, it wasn't that simple.. sacrifices had to be made once more! I had to completely get Australia outta my system and consider staying in the U.K as my ONLY option! So, I turned it down...

I've always been a daddy's girl. I've always felt a bit closer to my dad than I did with my mum but I can't say I prefer one more than the other. I love them both equally. My relationship with my dad wasn't always this way. I believe that @ one point, my dad and I were practically inseparable! Things have changed though. Maybe it's because i've finally grown up and i've realised that I can not depend on my dad all the time and it's time for me to start depending on myself. Or maybe it's because of the tough times my dad's faced throughout these past couple of years.

I must admit that the first changes I observed in my dad were those I noticed almost as soon as he was released from prison. I mean, it's inevitable really. Obviously I expected that my dad would look @ things in a different perspective after having 2 face such a difficult and life-altering experience. Never did I think that he'd change around his family too. I mean I don't mean to sound harsh when I say this but my dad has definitely grown a bit distant from us.... from me 2 b exact. Like for example, when you speak 2 him it seems like he has no interest in what you're saying or what you're about to say. When you say something funny it's like he TRIES 2 fake a laugh when in reality he wasn't even paying attention 2 the joke! When you ask him a question you have to repeat it atleast twice in order to get a response... I know this might sound HIGHLY self-centered but I really don't mean to make it sound like this is about ME! I'm concerned about him. I really am. It hurts you know. It hurts when you're sitting there having a nice dinner with him, expressing your views or having a normal conversation when all he's doing is sitting there, BARELY keeping eye-contact, thinking of God knows what! The countless problems he has to deal with once he gets back home? The obtacles still to come? His role as a father and how well he can portray that good fatherly-image around his family? I know there's alot to deal with and I know he's CONSTANTLY under pressure and stress. For this reason, I fear the worst!

My two greatest fears in life are death and bankruptcy. I guess I was never aware of how much momey my dad had to spend on us in order to send us 2 the BEST schools with the FINEST education and evetually send us off 2 the TOP universities around the world. When I think of it now, all that useless junk I used 2 buy everyday and all that precious money I threw away, I feel disgusted. I practically HATE myself for it. It's like, now that I get to experience a little part of what my dad's going through, by having to pay my accommodation fees and my water and electricity and etc bills, and now that I have to make sure I save enough money 2 spend on myself, it's like i've FINALLY realised how difficult it is 2 save money and not throw it away on useless stuff!

I know people say that money comes and goes but I can't help but feel responsible for what my dad's going through right now. All that hard work and all that suffering, it's like i'm responsible 4 it. It's like i'm a burden on his shoulders. Whenever he's around all I do is complain. If not complain.. all I do is ask 4 more! I AM grateful 4 everything... I've always been! But this is exactly why I am placing my parents' wishes as my 1st priority in terms of my academic career.

If I had one wish it would be this, for me to complete my studies in Brisbane without having to upset my parents by disobeying them. Receiving this scholarsip was like a dream come true 4 me. Not only did it eliminate the burden of having to pay 4 my education on top of my brothers' and sister's, but it also meant I would be able to guarantee myself a well-paid and deserved job when I finally graduate. Putting my personal comfort on top of what's best for me and on top of my parent's key 2 happiness is something I am just not capable of doing. Not after everything i've put them through! No... I just can't. I'm not gonna lie.. I despise Leeds and I absolutely HATE what i'm sudying @ the moment, but as long as it's keeping my parents happy and as long as it's increasing the chances of giving my brother a chance to study abroad as well, I think i'm gonna have to live with it. In this case, what I want can not POSSIBLY be my 1st prority. I can not afford to keep trying to convince the ministry 2 send me to Brisbane instead, and I can not afford to jeopardize my scholarship.

Verbose.. I know I said i'd keep trying but I have 2 admit I don't consider this a failure and I don't think I can say i've finally given up. I know this is not what I want but I can't help it. The ministry have refused this request three times so far. One more and not only will I be broken hearted but I will also be back home with no sponsorship! I can't do it. Not now. I am not being pessimistic but rather realistic. I don't wanna make a decision based on friends and where i'm going to feel more comfortable. I want it to be a rational decision with a good cause and I believe this one is!

To all you guys in Brisbane, I know I said i'd be there with you shortly but i'm afraid that's gonna have to wait!

I am not going to be the cause of pain and stress in my parent's lifes. I will not disobey them and I most certainly will not be the person responsible for erasing that smile off my mum's face by telling her that I no longer have a scholarship and that I no longer want to study in the U.K. and that I expect them 2 send me 2 Brisbane on their expense!

Whatever happens from now on is my responsibility. If I am infact making the wrong decision than I would rather make this mistake myself, suffer the consequences and avoid repeating it. However, I will not ASSUME that it is a WRONG decision by rushing into things and leaving all this behind due to my personal reasons!

I just hope that God will support me and that both my family and friends will too.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

She who they call ZANZI!

Five words that I can think of that perfectly describe you would have to be: daring, intelligent, mature, persuasive and strong-willed. You have an opinion for almost every topic you come across, and the way you express yourself or explain and justify your opinions is something you're very good at. You've been there for me through the toughest times. You helped get thru thanawiya, high school in general and you've helped me solve some of my continuous problems in a mature and rational manner.

I knew i'd like from the first day I met you. You were probably the ONLY girl in the class who wasn't looking @ me as though I were a fresh piece of meat and they were all hungry hyenas! haha.. Honestly though you were just so welcoming and friendly and kind enough to show me around that I never doubted us getting along and reaching the stage we're at today!

I love the fact that you are into this whole women's rights thing! honestly man, the way you defend our rights is amazing.. I guess that's the one thing you could be as vicious as a hyena in! haha.. no but really you have such strong views on this topic and many other topics and I think that's fascinating! keep it up man.. girl power! hahaa... that was gay!

I just wanna add one more thing. Don't you EVER doubt yourself lym. Honestly, I am not going to tolerate you asking me questions like "am I pretty or am I fat?" cuz you and I both know that you are GORGEOUS and you and I both know that you are ANYTHING BUT FAT! so WAKE up and smell and hummus!! ufff.. athiyya! :D

Finally, I just wanna point out that I too consider you one of my closest friends. Everything we've ever been thru is practically engraved in my mind and so are you. I am never going to neglect you and this I promise you!! I love you sooooo much and if you EVER need anyone to be bitch-slapped... you know who 2 call! ;)

I love you... xxx

Friday, November 25, 2005

The exorcism of Emily Rose.

I've been looking forward to watching this movie for over 2 weeks now and I have FINALLY watched it. An interesting movie I must say. Not as scary as "The exorcist" but then again I don't think anything is! It's actually based on a true story which makes things a bit more difficult to believe. We as muslims obviously believe in demons and their abilities to possess our bodies and appear in different shapes. We also believe that certain animals can SEE demons when we can't unless they've evolved into another shape. What we DON'T agree with however is the fact that Jesus is not the SON of god but merely a profit SPREADING God's message. So, to me the movie wasn't too realistic. It related possession with certain aspects of Jesus Christ's crucifixion and it related the time @ which demons usually encounter our world to a time that is believed to be that of Jesus' crucifixion as well!

Generally, I thought it was quite powerful. I mean certain parts of the movie did kind of leave you sitting there asking yourself some odd questions. What are demons? Where do they come from? What are their intentions?! You know... questions you wouldn't NORMALLY ask yourself! I think! :S

To tell you the truth, the only question running through my mind DURING the movie and now that it's finally over is, "HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO SLEEP TONIGHT???!?!" It took me AGES to finally eliminate the vision of that poor girl in "The exorcist" from my mind and I really don't want to have to spend the next few months trying to stop myself from IMAGINING that the possessed Emily Rose is sleeping right next to me!!!! gulp! .....................

Thursday, November 24, 2005

e-bay.. addictive or just purely helpful?!

Well, how eventful was my day!!! I woke up on time, got ready for uni but ended up skipping! Nothing unusual there. I think I spend more time @ home then I do @ uni. It's become more of a routine really. I did figure out the cause of this habit, which can be a good thing cuz this means I can finally put an end to it. You see, whenever I get ready for uni I always make myself a cup of coffee to go with my usual morning cigarette, and I realised that if I take my cup of coffee into my room and I end up drinking it there and smoking there as well I ALWAYS attend uni.

However, if I decide to drink my coffee and smoke in the living room infront of the T.V (even if there's nothing interesting on) I always end up skipping! so from now on, it looks like i'm having my coffee in my room! But then again I don't really enjoy having a cigarette in my room. It's small and always reallllly warm cuz the heaters been on all night so it gets kinda claustrophobic. I wonder what's more important.. enjoying my morning cigarette with a nice hot cup of coffee b4 leaving the flat and facing that dreadful British weather or attending uni!? Hmmm.. a mystery I will never solve. For you non-smokers the answer seems quite simple but believe me it's not as simple when you are a smoker!

After skipping uni I decided to visit one of the most INCREDIBLE inventions ever created in the history of technology... no not the internet... a bit more specific.... it's none other than the famous e-bay!

I was introduced to e-bay a few weeks back. I mean I had obviously heard of it but I just hadn't had the chance to visit the site and explore its wonders! All I can say is that after spending almost 200 pounds on the most ludicrous items, I wish I was still an e-bay virgin! I mean some of the stuff I bought is AMAZING.. haha.. where else can you find a cherry seed on sale 4 almost a million dollars? amazing! and it was actually sold you know! ya.. some MORON thought it was like a lucky cherry seed or something! what a load of crap! haha.. another interseting item I came across was a jar, I mean a normal empty jam-jar, that contained the breath of both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie DONATED @ the premiere of Mr. and Mrs. Smith!!!!! Hahaha.. can you believe that?!

So the main question still remains.... is e-bay helpful or is it as addictive as heroine?! Cuz i'm telling you, I know one thing for sure and that is that I am addicted to it. I mean the way I think of it is that it can be a bit of both. I mean depending on what you're looking for, e-bay is by far the easiest and the most efficient way of finding some of the world's most UNIQUE items.

So, am I going to have to add another new year's resolution to my current list? Am I going to have to quit smoking as well as shopping on e-bay? or am I going to need to put an end to shopping on e-bay alone.. hahahaha... as you can see I am not too keen on the first one! No honestly. Am I going to have to quit e-bay before it's too late? What do you think?

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Another day, a new lesson learnt.

I was talking to a good friend of mine last night and she asked me to dedicate a whole blog to her by explaining in FULL detail why I loved her so much! So, i'm going to keep my promise and i'm going to dedicate this entry to her... you know who you are ;)

Sometimes I get the feeling that I don't really show the people I love how much I appreciate them and how truly honoured I am to have them in my life. I try to express my feelings towards them every now and then but I guess that words alone can not prove much without actions. If circumstances were a bit better i.e. we happen to be studying in the same country, things would be alot easier. But believe me when I tell you this, as incredibly fantastic as university life can be, it can also be time consuming and hectic. It's not that I don't think of my friends back home.. I do.. infact, I can almost say that they are all CONSTANTLY on my mind, especially @ this stage, as we are now approaching our x'mas holidays. It's not like I don't try to keep intouch, I do, but it's just that i've had sooooo much to deal with over the past couple of weeks I can't begin to tell you how busy i've been. I know you don't enjoy listening to excuses. I don't think anyone does, but @ this point in life all I can do is explain myself and show you that I still care. How can I not? after all those exciting and adventurous days we had in high school and all that drama we both experienced? You once said to me that whenever you think of me you can not help but smile. Believe you me, when I think of you my face lights up. No pain or sorrow can interferre with the happiness I feel when I think of everything we've been through. Ups or down the thought of you always manages to put a smile on my face.

You know very well that I have always considered you to be one of my closest friends, and as much as I disliked your continuous attempts at correcting my grammar, I must say I think it has had a HUGE impact on my ability to speak english today! :) It's like whenever I am having a conversation with one of my friends, teachers or any random person, I can not help but picture you standing next to me EXAMINING every word I say.. hahaha well not literally but I do tend to pay more attention to what I say before saying it! I guess for that I must thank you. xxx
You have always been that mature, intelligent and helpful role model to me. I mean i'm sure you've noticed it yourself... Does this ring any bells: "I wanna walk like you, talk like you, oo oo" ;) haha

You know more than anyone in the world how difficult it was for me to say goodbye to you when we all had to go our separate ways. I still try to picture how things would've turned out if we'd all gone to Brisbane like we said we would @ one point in high school. In the same time, I guess I am glad that you're having a BLAST in Montreal and I wouldn't wish for anything more than your happiness :)

You have taught me soooooooo much in life I can not begin to tell you how grateful I am for everything you've ever done for me or said to me for that matter. The impact you have had on my life has been tremendous. I have changed so much and I can proudly say that I owe it all to you. You have helped me deal with things in a mature way. You have helped me see things in a different perspective. You have helped look @ people in a different light. You've made me appreciate friends, family and life in general. But most importantly you have made me appreciate myself and my abilities by helping me sort out my insecurity.

I think I can proudly say that with your wise words you have helped not only helped me but ALOT of people too. You know I can go on forever.. let me just add that I am skipping uni because I think this is more important..... hahaha not really.. I'm skipping uni because I can't be bothered to walk up that HUGE SLOPE for one stupid lecture! I guess that's one thing you never got to shed some light on. You and I both know that when it came to attending classes we'd both end up attending out normal smoking sessions in the #*$ toilets! hahaha.. daaamn I loved high school. It was just sooo eventful. If I had the chance to go back in time and make some adjustments to my life in high school I don't think I would change ANYTHING! Do you know why? let me quote something a wise person once told me:
When asked if I regret anything in life I answered that I had soooo many regrets they were almost countless. This wise person replied, " you should NEVER regret anything you've ever done in the past because it is precisely these things that have helped create who you are today, and you should ALWAYS be proud of who you are!"

Does it sound familiar? It should because this is ONE of the many things you've told me in the past. I remember it like it was yesterday :) where we were sat, what we were having, what we were talking about, who we were with. You really don't understand how much I love you. I can not thank you enough for EVERYTHING.

I would like to end this entry by saying that frankie CAN NOT go on WITH junoir.... hahahahahahahaahahaha... you know exactly what I mean :) I love you. xxxx

introduction.

Wow... alotta events taking place in my life @ this point. I am now 19, no longer a blog-virgin and I am ALMOST done with my first semester! Thank God 4 that!

I have another 3 weeks 2 go until I finally make my way back home.. I'm really looking 4ward to it. Re-uniting with friends, sharing our experiences; who we met, who we took back home ;) who we didn't! haha.. honestly though.. I really am looking 4ward 2 it.. I can barely wait.

Well.. my blog's name kinda indicates that if you actually take the time 2 read it you will come to know alot of my deepest and darkest secrets. As much as this might sound stupid, I actually do have a few confessions 2 make.

First, for all of you who know this person, I have FINALLY come to terms with an enemy (@ one point atleast)! hehe I know... unbelievable right? No but honestly I have. I realised that high school was in the past and @ times like these, the LAST thing I wanna do is hold grudges against people due to my UNFORTUNATE habit of judging them! And you know what? If i'd known that this person was this funny, kind, friendly and fun to be with I would've done this AGES ago. But hey.. that's why people say it's never too late.. it just isn't!

It was my baby's b'day yesterday.. I really miss her man.. I just hope we can ALL go back home during the x'mas holidays even if 4 a short period of time. I just hope I can celebrate my birthday once I go home cuz I sure as hell didn't celebrate it on the actual day! it was SHIT.. honestly it was DEPRESSING! So i'm hoping i'm gonna make up 4 it (big time) when I go home!
hahaha.. a funny incident took place over the weekend. I was supposed 2 go down 2 London 2 meet my dad, and as excited and thrilled as I was, the truth was that I was more concerned about my new and unexposed EYEBROW piercing. So, I finally decided that straightening my hair b4 heading to London would b a good idea especially bcuz when straightened, my fringe fully covers the piercing making it almost IMPOSSIBLE 2 spot. So there I was, walking towards my dad with arms spread as wide as possible ready 4 a good cuddle, when suddenly a breeze of cold air blew my fringe away from my face... there it was... exposed 2 society like a new-born baby who's just been introduced to life, and it was an instant decision really.. "SHIT, PLAN B.. daaaaaaaaad i'm realllllly sorry but I pierced my eyebrow!" :S hahaha wasn't too bad actually.. didn't even get a lecture!

Otherwise, London was GREAT.. I truly enjoyed it.

More secrets 2 be revealed in my next entry... keep reading! ;) xxxx